Before I had kids, I was the Goddess Go-to Girl. (For those unaware, it was while living in Chicagoland from 1995-1997ish that I discovered my inner Pagan/GoddessWoman. (It was always there of course--I'd been reading and studying about pre-Christian and non-western religions and deities for years before that; and had declared myself Officially Not Catholic the second after I made my confirmation in high school.) When we moved back to the area in 1998 I promptly found a Unitarian Universalist congregation that was Goddess-friendly, and quickly helped to form several "Earth-Based Worship" groups.
I had the exquisite freedom to spend my (non-working) time learning more, leading Circles, and practicing aspects of my spirituality. I was tuned into alternative health, I purchased household/body products that were Earth-friendly, and generally felt that I had a pretty balanced life.
But I didn't have children, and I wanted them. I wasn't sure how many--at least one, and at times perhaps three--but I knew I wanted them, and Ari did also.
Having children for me was fraught with unbelievable challenges, and a ton of pain and sadness that I don't want to go into right now. I will say--and I think it's important to say this for others who are struggling--that due to difficult circumstances I was more or less in a depressive mode for most of a decade.
When I came out of that period of my life, I had two incredibly beautiful and truly nice children, who I adore.
What I lost, somewhere, were key aspects of my spirituality. There was a time when I danced around a Maypole every year. Years where I gathered at the Full Moons with others. On a regular basis, I would invoke the energies of the four directions, bound together by Spirit. There were meetings where I sat in sacred circles with other women and we celebrated sadnesses and joys and life passages...asking for the Goddess or the Gods to bear witness to our intents or sharing of grief.
They were truly magickal times, in many ways. The real kind of magick that happens when you meet with others, and focus your intentions, and just generally feel connected to your fellow humans and connected to the totality of Life.
I'm not completely sure why I am here and not there any more. I believe it's a combination of things. Not having the time/headspace to engage with my spirituality. Having seen a few too many people behave badly. Not liking to fit in a box--any box. Just generally growing in my spiritual beliefs, and not knowing that they can be shared as easily in a Circle of others.
I do remember one point several years ago where I felt I had to make a choice--do I want to be a "pagan writer" or a "speculative fiction" writer. I chose speculative fiction. I'm not completely sure why, now, that I even felt I had to make a choice.
And so here I am. And I wonder what happened to the woman who was so passionate about the environment, the woman who believed that every choice was tied into living her spirituality.
At some point, that woman started buying diapers by the case at Wal*Mart--even though she swore she'd never shop at Wal*Mart--because it was easier. And cheaper.
I'm not looking for answers or solutions, just musing. And perhaps I just needed to write something that wasn't a business-related web page or press release, since I've done no creative writing for over a month, as the title of this post states.
If there is a question here, perhaps it is: Can you ever go back? And should you?